Memories of Ilos
by TsamsyiuAtetsew
Summary: Kaidan finds himself unable to stop thinking of Shepard after their meeting on Horizon, and seeks closure, and to leave some doors open...


**A/N:** Just a little something I felt I had to write after playing Horizon and getting the letter Kaidan writes. (Especially after listening to the audio that Sbarge released)

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect, or the characters within.

_Bunk here tonight, Kaidan... with me._

Kaidan Alenko woke, drenched in sweat, from an all too familiar dream. Her voice haunted his memories, her touch haunted his body. That night haunted his soul. He closed her eyes. Two years. Shepard had been dead two years. But there she had been, standing in front of him. On Horizon. Alive. He'd gone to her, embraced her, found her real, solid. Not a dream. Or a ghost. But, things had changed… were different… She was with Cerberus. With the enemy. Against the Alliance. And that thought, that sudden realization that the rumors he'd been hearing, the rumors he'd been praying were wrong, were true. The fact tore his heart into pieces. She was a traitor. Or was she? Kaiden swung himself into a sitting position on his bed, running his hands through his hair, trying to think rationally. Shepard had told him that the Collectors were behind the human colonies' disappearing in the Terminus Systems, that the Alliance had known, and was doing nothing to help them. The same with the Council. Hell, he had seen it himself, right there on Horizon. Just Shepard, and her team, like old times, fighting against all odds.

Kaidan sighed, shaking his head. Anger. Hurt. Confusion. Relief. He'd felt all those and more upon seeing her. His heart was a stormy sea with no direction. Confusion at her apparent sudden defection from the Alliance. Anger at two years lost, two years of _them_, of what they could have been. Gone. Irreplaceable. Wiped away all in an instant. In one agonizing instant. There he had been, helpless to do a damn thing about it. Two years not knowing, two years of mourning, of dying a little inside each day. Two years of trying to move on, but failing, every single time. And the hurt. That unspeakable pain that festered deep within his heart. Hurt that Shepard hadn't contacted him in all that time, hurt that the one he'd loved had been snatched away, so suddenly, so cruelly.

Ilos. He'd loved her then, and he loved her now. Still. Despite their less than perfect reunion. Shepard was a part of him, deep down in his soul, and this Kaidan now realized. But the hurt, the wounds that had been reopened there on Horizon couldn't just be mended. Not that easily, anyway. Not with words. With time? Maybe. Would he ever have that chance again that he'd had on Horizon? The chance he'd mangled. If she was the woman that he had loved – and still did – then there was no way she'd be with Cerberus. There was no way she'd have turned her back on all that the Alliance had stood for. Or them. Not now, not ever. What had she said to him? That it was a convenient partnership? She was working with them, because they were the only ones taking action, about the colonies. Oh, god, did he want that to be true. Kaidan's heart ached with a fierce longing that he hadn't felt since Shepard's death. Was it true though, that the Alliance had done nothing? His faith in them was nigh unshakable, but what if it were true? Would they really leave their own to fend for themselves against such a horrific foe? And he had seen these Collectors first hand now… Could anyone, anything bring them down? Shepard said she would try. But could she do it? For a moment, Kaidan found himself wishing he'd accepted Shepard's offer to come with her on the Normandy. But the disturbing accusations that Shepard had brought up about the Alliance persisted to torment his thoughts this night, snatching restfulness from him and taunting him with what ifs and could have beens. If they really were leaving the colonies alone and without protection… Well, it was troubling... He couldn't believe that. He wouldn't. Time. He needed time.

Taking a shaky breath, Kaiden heaved himself up off the bed, thudded across the room and poured himself a strong drink, leaning against the counter, his heart weighted down with thoughts and regrets. Their conversation still echoed in his mind, and in his heart. He'd felt so guilty after the attack on the Normandy. Survivor's guilt, they called it. He'd lived. And the woman he'd loved had died. She was a hero, they said. A legend that would live on in the memories of thousands. But what did that matter? She wasn't there, wasn't in his arms, wasn't at his back in a tight spot in the middle of a fight. And then the squad Shepard had put together was disbanded. Everything they did was hushed up and quietly shoved aside. Forgotten. Every sacrifice, every victory, every hard earned moment.. left to the dust of remembrance. Then everyone had started going on with their lives again. He'd tried, but deep inside of him, Kaidan couldn't shake the memories, couldn't leave Shepard as just a memory. The loneliness and guilt gnawed at him for weeks after. He'd moved on as much as he could in the last two years, but deep in his heart… he could never love anyone like he did her.

Again his mind turned back to the abductions. Maybe Shepard was right. About a few things, anyway. Colonies were vanishing without a trace. Something had to be done. And she deserved better than what he had given her. Deserved to be heard out, at the very least. He owed her that much. He'd never even let himself listen to her down on Horizon. Hell, even Garrus had pleaded with him to just shut up and listen. Would he still feel this way if he had? Part of him hated himself for it. _Why did you put me through this? Why didn't you contact me?_ The words came back to him and Kaidan sighed, shaking his head.. he couldn't believe it was he that said then. He'd been so selfish. How could he have been so cold? Kaidan tossed back the last of his drink and poured another, downing it in one long swallow. His whole life had been shaken to the very core. Everything had changed. What was Shepard doing right now? Was she okay? He'd never even bothered to ask her. No, he'd just been hell bent on riding her ass about Cerberus. _Goddammit_, Kaidan thought miserably as he poured another drink. The alcohol was starting to affect him, but he couldn't block out the memories. Nothing in the galaxy could do that. Or assuage the hurt and guilt in his heart. He looked at Shepard's portrait, taken shortly after the battle of the Citadel. Her green eyes started back at him, full of fire and life. A lump wedge in his throat, and Kaidan touched the picture's cheek gently as he picked it up and stared at it. God, he missed her. He missed her scent, he missed having her in his arms. Missed the feel of her, the sound of her voice. Kaidan closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

_I hope you're okay, Shepard. Please be okay._

Kaidan sat down at his personal terminal and began to type. Maybe, just maybe, he could explain.


End file.
